Okay, so I know that most of my posts have this sort of negative light to them.... and I apologize... I can't hide the way that I feel. I really wish I didn't feel this way... but having a broken heart just takes over every part of you whether you like it or not. It takes all the emotion, and strength you have... like a viscous lover it just takes and takes even what you don't have. It consumes you in so many ways and brings out things inside of you that you never even knew were there. It takes, and takes... of your heart, of your patience, of your time.... it takes of your weakness and of your strength, of your Spirit and of your soul... it takes your rhythm, and your song, it takes away everything you had and gives you nothing but emptiness in return. It takes, and takes, and breaks. Breaks you to the core and takes everything you've ever known and trusted and throws it into the thirsty flames. It burns. Burns, and leaves open wounds that just dont seem to heal. It gives you a hungry void and an endless train of insecure thought. The pain carries you like the wind to a place so foreign yet so familiar and you get lost in all the noise and all you want to do is be found... but the brokenness holds so tight its hard to be free. Free from the hurt and the negative ideas, free of the sadness that shackles your heart... freedom to live and laugh without strings attached.
When your heart breaks, something inside of you dies. It just decays and rots away and until you recognize it you will be left wondering why you just wont fix and heal and be okay.
But... but sometimes.. it is necessary. I often wonder how Christ felt when His heart was broken.. how He felt when those He loved most didn't love Him back. What a broken heart He must have had... the grief and sorrow His heart must have endured. I keep asking how He dealt with it.. and I am slowly coming to realize He solely, SOLELY depended on God. That was all He needed, the Fathers love. The world could turn its back on Him, and as shattered and broken His heart would be... it never held Him back from pushing forward for the Glory of the Father. Never. Not once.
Maybe... maybe that's why... cause He never gave up faith in the power of God. Though in human weakness and pain He never doubted the mercy and compassion of His Father.
Of my Father.
I don't know why it hurts the way it does,
I wish I could control it.
I am unsure of what I am supposed to get out of this...
and I am so tired, broken, confused and weary...
But what I do know... what I do know for sure. Without a second thought or doubt...
That His love is perfect.
His love... it rights wrong.
His love heals sick, and sets free the captive.
His love endures.
His love conquers.
His love never fails.
His love makes old things new.
His love makes broken things whole.
His love gives the hopeless hope.
His love brings mercy, and compassion.
His love is unending. His love is His glory.
His love is pure. His love is righteous and honest... it is real and tangible.
His love is sovereign over all, sufficient and strong.
His love is limitless without a single boundary.
His love is immeasurable, unchangeable, unshakable, and undeniable.
His love is immortal, and eternal. His love is steadfast and whole.
His love is impartial, imperial and impossible.
His love is beautiful, and gentle without flaw.
His love reaches from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.
His love forgives, forgets, and renews.
His love is deeper than the ocean, vaster than the sky.
His love is softer than snow, burden light; yoke, easy.
His love is holy, holy, wholly.
His love is wise, understanding, and patient.
His love is matchless.
His love is FEARLESS.
His love is graceful, peaceful, joyful and noisy.
His love can never, ever change. Ever.
His love is simple and it is easy.
His love heals things that seem broken beyond repair.
On my knees, His love is ENOUGH.
It is enough.
Enough; for me.
I am because He is.
-S
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Truth, will set you free.
I have few words to say today, but I very much think that in these 3 words we find all we will really ever need.
Ready?
Love conquers all.
LOVE,
-S
XO.xo
Ready?
Love conquers all.
LOVE,
-S
XO.xo
Friday, November 13, 2009
Love is my anchor
I seem to be having epiphany after epiphany these days. I am on a roll... but my most recent one is this...
"Sadness is only an illusion when we solely focus on ourselves."
It's so true. I have been so wrapped up in my own personal heartache I forgot that there are 10 billion other people on this planet. It's NOT all about me and my problems, its about God and Gods people.... some of whom don't have a safe place to call home. A telephone to call for help, a mother to call mom, a father to call dad... and here I am worried and completely consumed about my own issues. How selfish is that?
How?
Selfish... is that?
Who cares that tuition has yet to be paid? Who cares that you dont look like Jessica Alba or Megan Fox?? Who cares that I failed my patho research paper and did awful on my midterm? Who cares if you've I have work up to your neck and have no room to breathe? WHO CARES? Who cares about some stupid boy that made you feel worthless.... really... all these things are just selfish excuses we let hold us down from living with a free heart; and an unshackled mind... From living to serve the very least of these. Have I forgotten my PURPOSE?
My reason for life?
I think a lot of us have.
The reason, I live, is to LOVE. To exercise patience, humility, meekness, humbleness and forgiveness. To love, and be loved. To be vulnerable, to be real. To be truthful, to be true. To be honest, to be trustworthy, to be faithful. To be merciful, to be positive, to be caring, compassionate, and understanding, to be gentle, to be graceful. To be holy, to be pure, to be a peacemaker, to be joyous, to be fruitful, to be good... to myself and so many other things. To be willing, to be focused, to be a giver and not a taker, a leader and not a follower.
Where do we spend our time? You know that says so much about who we are...
Work? School? Guitar? Friends? Family? That's all my time right there. Who am I even helping other than myself???? I cannot expect Gods blessing on ANYTHING that I do if that's how selfish I really am. I have no right to argue why God isn't blessing my life when I am doing nothing for Him. Not to say that He isn't the God of grace; because even though I fall so short of His glory He STILL blesses me everyday more than I will ever deserve... But it just rips me to the core the amount of NEED RIGHT under our doorstep and yet SO many of us let it pass us by. What are we doing? Seriously? Who are we serving?
When it comes down to it, those of us who call ourselves Christians need to seriously asses how we spend our time. If we label ourselves as followers of Christ then we take up that cross and follow. Dont drag it because you have to; hold it high and march. If we claim to be believers then we claim the list above as our purpose and reason for living. If we aren't serving or exercising those things... we've failed at the only thing that ever has and will matter.
Faith without deeds is DEAD.
Argue that all you want; but really.. who are you trying to convince?
Trying,
-S
XO.xo
"Sadness is only an illusion when we solely focus on ourselves."
It's so true. I have been so wrapped up in my own personal heartache I forgot that there are 10 billion other people on this planet. It's NOT all about me and my problems, its about God and Gods people.... some of whom don't have a safe place to call home. A telephone to call for help, a mother to call mom, a father to call dad... and here I am worried and completely consumed about my own issues. How selfish is that?
How?
Selfish... is that?
Who cares that tuition has yet to be paid? Who cares that you dont look like Jessica Alba or Megan Fox?? Who cares that I failed my patho research paper and did awful on my midterm? Who cares if you've I have work up to your neck and have no room to breathe? WHO CARES? Who cares about some stupid boy that made you feel worthless.... really... all these things are just selfish excuses we let hold us down from living with a free heart; and an unshackled mind... From living to serve the very least of these. Have I forgotten my PURPOSE?
My reason for life?
I think a lot of us have.
The reason, I live, is to LOVE. To exercise patience, humility, meekness, humbleness and forgiveness. To love, and be loved. To be vulnerable, to be real. To be truthful, to be true. To be honest, to be trustworthy, to be faithful. To be merciful, to be positive, to be caring, compassionate, and understanding, to be gentle, to be graceful. To be holy, to be pure, to be a peacemaker, to be joyous, to be fruitful, to be good... to myself and so many other things. To be willing, to be focused, to be a giver and not a taker, a leader and not a follower.
Where do we spend our time? You know that says so much about who we are...
Work? School? Guitar? Friends? Family? That's all my time right there. Who am I even helping other than myself???? I cannot expect Gods blessing on ANYTHING that I do if that's how selfish I really am. I have no right to argue why God isn't blessing my life when I am doing nothing for Him. Not to say that He isn't the God of grace; because even though I fall so short of His glory He STILL blesses me everyday more than I will ever deserve... But it just rips me to the core the amount of NEED RIGHT under our doorstep and yet SO many of us let it pass us by. What are we doing? Seriously? Who are we serving?
When it comes down to it, those of us who call ourselves Christians need to seriously asses how we spend our time. If we label ourselves as followers of Christ then we take up that cross and follow. Dont drag it because you have to; hold it high and march. If we claim to be believers then we claim the list above as our purpose and reason for living. If we aren't serving or exercising those things... we've failed at the only thing that ever has and will matter.
Faith without deeds is DEAD.
Argue that all you want; but really.. who are you trying to convince?
Trying,
-S
XO.xo
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Saying Goodbye
Goodbyes are can be 1 of 2 things: relieving, or regretful.
I feel like I have had one too many goodbyes in 2009. And I often wonder where I went wrong. I am not a quitter and I wont be one either-- I just hate it when things end on that note. It hurts my ears, and my heart.
But it has always been hard losing friends; and it always will be. People who have become apart of your life for years and just walk out. Uprooting themselves and you and shaking up your world. People fade, they become jaded, they lose sight of things they've known for years and somehow lose themselves in the noise. As they moved left and I stayed right; fading between the lines of truth and blame... we're no longer friends. Somewhere along this road of bittersweet change and resentment I've lost friends. We drove until we lost the road, and then broke with the ones we once followed.
I find it is especially difficult when you're the one left picking up the pieces. When you were the one that was left behind as others moved on, and filled the space you once took up in their hearts. The front seat of their car, the seconds on their clock. It's where I used to be.
Even though you have moved on; I want you all to know the place you held in my heart will never be filled. Because I am true to you.
No regrets.
Just memories, and experiences that I will always hold close to my heart.
Just remember... don't forget to say goodbye.
Loved,
-S
XO.xo
I feel like I have had one too many goodbyes in 2009. And I often wonder where I went wrong. I am not a quitter and I wont be one either-- I just hate it when things end on that note. It hurts my ears, and my heart.
But it has always been hard losing friends; and it always will be. People who have become apart of your life for years and just walk out. Uprooting themselves and you and shaking up your world. People fade, they become jaded, they lose sight of things they've known for years and somehow lose themselves in the noise. As they moved left and I stayed right; fading between the lines of truth and blame... we're no longer friends. Somewhere along this road of bittersweet change and resentment I've lost friends. We drove until we lost the road, and then broke with the ones we once followed.
I find it is especially difficult when you're the one left picking up the pieces. When you were the one that was left behind as others moved on, and filled the space you once took up in their hearts. The front seat of their car, the seconds on their clock. It's where I used to be.
Even though you have moved on; I want you all to know the place you held in my heart will never be filled. Because I am true to you.
No regrets.
Just memories, and experiences that I will always hold close to my heart.
Just remember... don't forget to say goodbye.
Loved,
-S
XO.xo
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Remember when it rained?
When you try your best but you don't succeed is a hard place to be in. All the frustration and discouragement take a toll on your self confidence and you're left feeling extremely inadequate and incapable.
I just got a midterm back today, that I for sure thought I aced. I was so sure of it.. I can't even say. I had confidence I knew what was going on and I was understanding of the course material and the questions presented.
But I was wrong. I was mis-taken.
I ended up with a 60 on my midterm, worth 30%. And everyone says that there will be second chances, and a time to renew myself. But they dont understand that my grade has already dropped 10% lower than it could be because of this grade. Which in turn affects my GPA by a few decimal places, which in turn affects the kind of programs I can apply for after my undergraduate, which ultimately decides the job I posses and how I live the rest of my financial life.
It's hard.
What's worse and even more hurtful is that the REASON I did so badly on this midterm was because of the short answer section. I had a solid understanding of MCQ (multiple choice questions for all you lucky people who dont use that term) The short answer part I failed, like, below 50%. And when going through it I realized that I had ALL the right answers.... But how can that be? I literally failed. I asked my prof, and she told me that my answers were not specific enough. That diagrams had to be labeled, when the question did not even call for a diagram. That my sentence structure suggested a very simple explanation. I felt like I was fighting tears because I knew all of it. It was so clear and evident that I really did know what I was talking about and my explanations proved I had a consistent understanding of the structure and mechanisms required of me. But due to my wording, and lack of detail I failed.
It's so frustrating, because it's not like I failed to study. It's not like I failed to use my time wisely. I made my sacrifices and I suffered through the books, slides, long nights, early mornings, stressful days in order to posses the kind of knowledge it takes to do well. And I fell short. It's really a low feeling to be honest.
I take this post out of context and apply this emotion to other places and different faces. When a boy lies to you; when he loves you but is seeing another girl. When he breaks up with you for her and makes you feel like all you had together was worthless-- it's low. When friends aren't who you thought they were, and cant distinguish between the truth and lies-- it's low. And without a doubt it will take its toll.. because you made your sacrifices, just like I did. You tried your best, but did not succeed.
It is weakness, it is hopelessness, it is insufficiency that completes the power of Him who fills everything in everyone.
*sigh
-S
I just got a midterm back today, that I for sure thought I aced. I was so sure of it.. I can't even say. I had confidence I knew what was going on and I was understanding of the course material and the questions presented.
But I was wrong. I was mis-taken.
I ended up with a 60 on my midterm, worth 30%. And everyone says that there will be second chances, and a time to renew myself. But they dont understand that my grade has already dropped 10% lower than it could be because of this grade. Which in turn affects my GPA by a few decimal places, which in turn affects the kind of programs I can apply for after my undergraduate, which ultimately decides the job I posses and how I live the rest of my financial life.
It's hard.
What's worse and even more hurtful is that the REASON I did so badly on this midterm was because of the short answer section. I had a solid understanding of MCQ (multiple choice questions for all you lucky people who dont use that term) The short answer part I failed, like, below 50%. And when going through it I realized that I had ALL the right answers.... But how can that be? I literally failed. I asked my prof, and she told me that my answers were not specific enough. That diagrams had to be labeled, when the question did not even call for a diagram. That my sentence structure suggested a very simple explanation. I felt like I was fighting tears because I knew all of it. It was so clear and evident that I really did know what I was talking about and my explanations proved I had a consistent understanding of the structure and mechanisms required of me. But due to my wording, and lack of detail I failed.
It's so frustrating, because it's not like I failed to study. It's not like I failed to use my time wisely. I made my sacrifices and I suffered through the books, slides, long nights, early mornings, stressful days in order to posses the kind of knowledge it takes to do well. And I fell short. It's really a low feeling to be honest.
I take this post out of context and apply this emotion to other places and different faces. When a boy lies to you; when he loves you but is seeing another girl. When he breaks up with you for her and makes you feel like all you had together was worthless-- it's low. When friends aren't who you thought they were, and cant distinguish between the truth and lies-- it's low. And without a doubt it will take its toll.. because you made your sacrifices, just like I did. You tried your best, but did not succeed.
It is weakness, it is hopelessness, it is insufficiency that completes the power of Him who fills everything in everyone.
*sigh
-S
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Little Farid
Spending the past week at home was surprisingly, really, really nice. I got a pleasant surprise when my friend asked me to be her bridesmaid (SO STOKED!!) and bought a sweet new pair of heels (oh BABY!) But, by far the highlight of the week was my sister.
Yup. My sister.
Anyone who knows me knows she is like my darker half. Not because shes a bad person, but because she brings that bad person out of me. It has been a constant struggle with her. We fight a lot, and many harsh and unnecessary words are exchanged. The parental unit always reminds me that I cant love a rock if I cant love my own sister. But I have always begged to differ. I have often felt like it was easier to love a terrorist than love her at times. I've seen her at her best, and I've seen her at her worst. And likewise she has seen my strength and weakness. And it finally feels like every heartfelt prayer has begun its awakening in her heart. I wasn't the best this week, but she put up with me. She didn't shout, lose her patience, give me attitude, or anything. Even when I deserved it. There is something so unspeakably powerful about that. I find it so encouraging to see how God is working in her. It just makes me feel like nothings impossible, and it gives me hope for a new day. Hope for me, that if she can hold herself accountable and follow through then so can I. Her character really made a difference and as this week starts I find myself depending on her strength to press forward. She even bought me nail polish! Woah. Its a new day folks.
So there you have it, people can change. For better, or for worse.
All in time.
-S
XO.xo
Yup. My sister.
Anyone who knows me knows she is like my darker half. Not because shes a bad person, but because she brings that bad person out of me. It has been a constant struggle with her. We fight a lot, and many harsh and unnecessary words are exchanged. The parental unit always reminds me that I cant love a rock if I cant love my own sister. But I have always begged to differ. I have often felt like it was easier to love a terrorist than love her at times. I've seen her at her best, and I've seen her at her worst. And likewise she has seen my strength and weakness. And it finally feels like every heartfelt prayer has begun its awakening in her heart. I wasn't the best this week, but she put up with me. She didn't shout, lose her patience, give me attitude, or anything. Even when I deserved it. There is something so unspeakably powerful about that. I find it so encouraging to see how God is working in her. It just makes me feel like nothings impossible, and it gives me hope for a new day. Hope for me, that if she can hold herself accountable and follow through then so can I. Her character really made a difference and as this week starts I find myself depending on her strength to press forward. She even bought me nail polish! Woah. Its a new day folks.
So there you have it, people can change. For better, or for worse.
All in time.
-S
XO.xo
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