The only time I've seen Him run...

I cant help but notice how hungry, and thirsty, and deprived our world is of love.
Love has the power to fix every problem we have.
Financial, poverty, greed, hunger, war... it can fix everything. I see all these Vampire movies out and they are all stories of love, of a forbidden love. And Taylor Swift who is such a hit.. cause all her songs are about love. Broken love; beautiful love... and they're all hits. Movies are hits because the love between characters captivates the audience.. we're so desperate for love.. aren't we?

AREN'T we?



It only makes sense, we were MADE to love.
We're supposed to love.
We were created: by Love.. for: Love.
So it doesn't surprise me that every media craze is about love, and the most amount of advice people need is on love and relationships. Everything is a love story.

And deep inside we all hope that we can find someone to love us like Edward Cullen; like that guy from The Notebook. We long for it, men and women alike. We hope and pray that we can find someone to love us so unconditionally, so faithfully, so patiently and lovingly.

Can you feel my heart shattering?

I'm so broken, and so torn, because I know the Creator of that very love. And He longs, He longs to be with His people. His children, His lovers. I cannot help but wonder what the world would be like if people knew the Love of God. If people know how much, OH how MUCH He loves us. If people could only see the Bible for the love story that it really is. It outdoes Twilight, T.Swift, and any other Titanic like crap out there. I mean.. its not crap but... it cant hold a flame to the Love of God.

I don't know how to express it, but I want everyone to know.. I want them to know they ARE beautiful, they ARE worthy, they are worthy of the highest price.. of the highest love attainable. He runs to us, with arms open, arms that can never be shut... arms that heal, and save, and protect. Arms that are strong, arms that never grow weary or weak. Arms that defend... we HAVE a Savior... why are we still looking? So blindly... just going through all these motions hoping someday we will find that fulfillment.

UGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is anyone as torn as I am over this? It's KILLING ME! How can we be so blind to a love so real, how did this happen? How did we grow so far from the one who's always been there, and who loved us since before time began? How... how did this happen? Not only do we avoid it but we shut it down in ways so heartbreaking I cannot imagine how it kills God's heart. We don't just deny it, we say awful awful things about it. Christians and non- Christians alike. We claim to have found that love and just dwell day after day in our sin.. not realizing we're supporting the very things that crucified Christ. We cannot serve two masters, and if we think that we can; we also call Jesus a liar.

I have no conclusion for this post, perhaps I posted to early. I didn't give myself enough time to gather my thoughts and answer my questions.

What I can tell you with honesty though; is how precious that grace appeared.
How precious, and how unimaginably real that grace appeared.. the moment He set me free.


The only time,
I ever saw Him run...
Was when He ran for ME <3
-S

Lack of snowflakes not color

Christmas!!
Already?!

Haha, wow. Time flies... I suck at being a consistent blogger cause its been like a month but I had exams that obvi took my entire life and since I finished its been a non-stop party! We went to this crazy Ranch up in Barrie which was a wild night to say the absolute least... Then did a girls trip up to a friends cottage which was sweeeeet.. and now as I am surrounded by those I love most and just have this day of rest I am so thankful.. for so many things. God has just been so good and taken my heart places I never knew it could go. I'm so much braver than I thought, which is such a cool concept. My plans for the next couple weeks simply entail my friends whom I love, and my snowboard... oh, and work. Schools off till a couple more weeks so I am planning to enjoy every moment.

I gotta dip and get back to my family, and my precious dog who I will take for a walk... but I am reminded to just smile. And if you can't find a reason to smile...

Stop thinking about you.




Love always,
-S

XOXO

I am because You Are.

Okay, so I know that most of my posts have this sort of negative light to them.... and I apologize... I can't hide the way that I feel. I really wish I didn't feel this way... but having a broken heart just takes over every part of you whether you like it or not. It takes all the emotion, and strength you have... like a viscous lover it just takes and takes even what you don't have. It consumes you in so many ways and brings out things inside of you that you never even knew were there. It takes, and takes... of your heart, of your patience, of your time.... it takes of your weakness and of your strength, of your Spirit and of your soul... it takes your rhythm, and your song, it takes away everything you had and gives you nothing but emptiness in return. It takes, and takes, and breaks. Breaks you to the core and takes everything you've ever known and trusted and throws it into the thirsty flames. It burns. Burns, and leaves open wounds that just dont seem to heal. It gives you a hungry void and an endless train of insecure thought. The pain carries you like the wind to a place so foreign yet so familiar and you get lost in all the noise and all you want to do is be found... but the brokenness holds so tight its hard to be free. Free from the hurt and the negative ideas, free of the sadness that shackles your heart... freedom to live and laugh without strings attached.

When your heart breaks, something inside of you dies. It just decays and rots away and until you recognize it you will be left wondering why you just wont fix and heal and be okay.

But... but sometimes.. it is necessary. I often wonder how Christ felt when His heart was broken.. how He felt when those He loved most didn't love Him back. What a broken heart He must have had... the grief and sorrow His heart must have endured. I keep asking how He dealt with it.. and I am slowly coming to realize He solely, SOLELY depended on God. That was all He needed, the Fathers love. The world could turn its back on Him, and as shattered and broken His heart would be... it never held Him back from pushing forward for the Glory of the Father. Never. Not once.

Maybe... maybe that's why... cause He never gave up faith in the power of God. Though in human weakness and pain He never doubted the mercy and compassion of His Father.

Of my Father.

I don't know why it hurts the way it does,
I wish I could control it.
I am unsure of what I am supposed to get out of this...
and I am so tired, broken, confused and weary...

But what I do know... what I do know for sure. Without a second thought or doubt...

That His love is perfect.
His love... it rights wrong.
His love heals sick, and sets free the captive.
His love endures.
His love conquers.
His love never fails.
His love makes old things new.
His love makes broken things whole.
His love gives the hopeless hope.
His love brings mercy, and compassion.
His love is unending. His love is His glory.
His love is pure. His love is righteous and honest... it is real and tangible.
His love is sovereign over all, sufficient and strong.
His love is limitless without a single boundary.
His love is immeasurable, unchangeable, unshakable, and undeniable.
His love is immortal, and eternal. His love is steadfast and whole.
His love is impartial, imperial and impossible.
His love is beautiful, and gentle without flaw.
His love reaches from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.
His love forgives, forgets, and renews.
His love is deeper than the ocean, vaster than the sky.
His love is softer than snow, burden light; yoke, easy.
His love is holy, holy, wholly.
His love is wise, understanding, and patient.
His love is matchless.
His love is FEARLESS.
His love is graceful, peaceful, joyful and noisy.
His love can never, ever change. Ever.
His love is simple and it is easy.
His love heals things that seem broken beyond repair.

On my knees, His love is ENOUGH.
It is enough.
Enough; for me.


I am because He is.
-S

Truth, will set you free.

I have few words to say today, but I very much think that in these 3 words we find all we will really ever need.

Ready?









Love conquers all.










LOVE,
-S
XO.xo

Love is my anchor

I seem to be having epiphany after epiphany these days. I am on a roll... but my most recent one is this...

"Sadness is only an illusion when we solely focus on ourselves."

It's so true. I have been so wrapped up in my own personal heartache I forgot that there are 10 billion other people on this planet. It's NOT all about me and my problems, its about God and Gods people.... some of whom don't have a safe place to call home. A telephone to call for help, a mother to call mom, a father to call dad... and here I am worried and completely consumed about my own issues. How selfish is that?

How?
Selfish... is that?

Who cares that tuition has yet to be paid? Who cares that you dont look like Jessica Alba or Megan Fox?? Who cares that I failed my patho research paper and did awful on my midterm? Who cares if you've I have work up to your neck and have no room to breathe? WHO CARES? Who cares about some stupid boy that made you feel worthless.... really... all these things are just selfish excuses we let hold us down from living with a free heart; and an unshackled mind... From living to serve the very least of these. Have I forgotten my PURPOSE?

My reason for life?

I think a lot of us have.

The reason, I live, is to LOVE. To exercise patience, humility, meekness, humbleness and forgiveness. To love, and be loved. To be vulnerable, to be real. To be truthful, to be true. To be honest, to be trustworthy, to be faithful. To be merciful, to be positive, to be caring, compassionate, and understanding, to be gentle, to be graceful. To be holy, to be pure, to be a peacemaker, to be joyous, to be fruitful, to be good... to myself and so many other things. To be willing, to be focused, to be a giver and not a taker, a leader and not a follower.

Where do we spend our time? You know that says so much about who we are...
Work? School? Guitar? Friends? Family? That's all my time right there. Who am I even helping other than myself???? I cannot expect Gods blessing on ANYTHING that I do if that's how selfish I really am. I have no right to argue why God isn't blessing my life when I am doing nothing for Him. Not to say that He isn't the God of grace; because even though I fall so short of His glory He STILL blesses me everyday more than I will ever deserve... But it just rips me to the core the amount of NEED RIGHT under our doorstep and yet SO many of us let it pass us by. What are we doing? Seriously? Who are we serving?

When it comes down to it, those of us who call ourselves Christians need to seriously asses how we spend our time. If we label ourselves as followers of Christ then we take up that cross and follow. Dont drag it because you have to; hold it high and march. If we claim to be believers then we claim the list above as our purpose and reason for living. If we aren't serving or exercising those things... we've failed at the only thing that ever has and will matter.




Faith without deeds is DEAD.
Argue that all you want; but really.. who are you trying to convince?



Trying,
-S

XO.xo

Saying Goodbye

Goodbyes are can be 1 of 2 things: relieving, or regretful.

I feel like I have had one too many goodbyes in 2009. And I often wonder where I went wrong. I am not a quitter and I wont be one either-- I just hate it when things end on that note. It hurts my ears, and my heart.

But it has always been hard losing friends; and it always will be. People who have become apart of your life for years and just walk out. Uprooting themselves and you and shaking up your world. People fade, they become jaded, they lose sight of things they've known for years and somehow lose themselves in the noise. As they moved left and I stayed right; fading between the lines of truth and blame... we're no longer friends. Somewhere along this road of bittersweet change and resentment I've lost friends. We drove until we lost the road, and then broke with the ones we once followed.

I find it is especially difficult when you're the one left picking up the pieces. When you were the one that was left behind as others moved on, and filled the space you once took up in their hearts. The front seat of their car, the seconds on their clock. It's where I used to be.

Even though you have moved on; I want you all to know the place you held in my heart will never be filled. Because I am true to you.

No regrets.
Just memories, and experiences that I will always hold close to my heart.




Just remember... don't forget to say goodbye.


Loved,
-S
XO.xo

Remember when it rained?

When you try your best but you don't succeed is a hard place to be in. All the frustration and discouragement take a toll on your self confidence and you're left feeling extremely inadequate and incapable.

I just got a midterm back today, that I for sure thought I aced. I was so sure of it.. I can't even say. I had confidence I knew what was going on and I was understanding of the course material and the questions presented.

But I was wrong. I was mis-taken.

I ended up with a 60 on my midterm, worth 30%. And everyone says that there will be second chances, and a time to renew myself. But they dont understand that my grade has already dropped 10% lower than it could be because of this grade. Which in turn affects my GPA by a few decimal places, which in turn affects the kind of programs I can apply for after my undergraduate, which ultimately decides the job I posses and how I live the rest of my financial life.

It's hard.

What's worse and even more hurtful is that the REASON I did so badly on this midterm was because of the short answer section. I had a solid understanding of MCQ (multiple choice questions for all you lucky people who dont use that term) The short answer part I failed, like, below 50%. And when going through it I realized that I had ALL the right answers.... But how can that be? I literally failed. I asked my prof, and she told me that my answers were not specific enough. That diagrams had to be labeled, when the question did not even call for a diagram. That my sentence structure suggested a very simple explanation. I felt like I was fighting tears because I knew all of it. It was so clear and evident that I really did know what I was talking about and my explanations proved I had a consistent understanding of the structure and mechanisms required of me. But due to my wording, and lack of detail I failed.

It's so frustrating, because it's not like I failed to study. It's not like I failed to use my time wisely. I made my sacrifices and I suffered through the books, slides, long nights, early mornings, stressful days in order to posses the kind of knowledge it takes to do well. And I fell short. It's really a low feeling to be honest.

I take this post out of context and apply this emotion to other places and different faces. When a boy lies to you; when he loves you but is seeing another girl. When he breaks up with you for her and makes you feel like all you had together was worthless-- it's low. When friends aren't who you thought they were, and cant distinguish between the truth and lies-- it's low. And without a doubt it will take its toll.. because you made your sacrifices, just like I did. You tried your best, but did not succeed.

It is weakness, it is hopelessness, it is insufficiency that completes the power of Him who fills everything in everyone.

*sigh
-S

Little Farid

Spending the past week at home was surprisingly, really, really nice. I got a pleasant surprise when my friend asked me to be her bridesmaid (SO STOKED!!) and bought a sweet new pair of heels (oh BABY!) But, by far the highlight of the week was my sister.

Yup. My sister.

Anyone who knows me knows she is like my darker half. Not because shes a bad person, but because she brings that bad person out of me. It has been a constant struggle with her. We fight a lot, and many harsh and unnecessary words are exchanged. The parental unit always reminds me that I cant love a rock if I cant love my own sister. But I have always begged to differ. I have often felt like it was easier to love a terrorist than love her at times. I've seen her at her best, and I've seen her at her worst. And likewise she has seen my strength and weakness. And it finally feels like every heartfelt prayer has begun its awakening in her heart. I wasn't the best this week, but she put up with me. She didn't shout, lose her patience, give me attitude, or anything. Even when I deserved it. There is something so unspeakably powerful about that. I find it so encouraging to see how God is working in her. It just makes me feel like nothings impossible, and it gives me hope for a new day. Hope for me, that if she can hold herself accountable and follow through then so can I. Her character really made a difference and as this week starts I find myself depending on her strength to press forward. She even bought me nail polish! Woah. Its a new day folks.

So there you have it, people can change. For better, or for worse.
All in time.

-S
XO.xo

Boy Rules and Regulations

This is to all my ladies, who have loved, been loved, and been hurt by the infamous stupid boy. Ladies, I have (through my infinite wisdom) compiled a list of rules we are to abide by until we are either legitimately dating on our way to marriage.

The Rules:

Rule #1- Boys are stupid. Understanding this foundational rule will further increase your life expectancy and emotional stability by 10+ plus years. Studies show most women live phenomenally and joyfully in and out of relationships once this rule is implemented in each and every scenario involving a boy.

Rule #2- DO NOT fall in LOVE until a ring (large, grossly large with multiple immense diamonds all over it) resides on your ring finger. This rule must not be violated even under death sentence.

Rule #3- Ladies, be patient. Repeat things, he does not speak English or any other language for that matter. He is also illiterate. And stupid, refer to Rule #1.

Rule #3- You are not allowed to look deep into his eyes because you might fall into his soul and that might lead to the violation of Rule 2. Dont do it!!!

Rule #4- Do not let him within one whole meter of your face, or any other body part. There are safety zones that shall be further discussed in another post but they more or less consist of arm touching (up to the elbows) and leg touching up to the ankles, if he touches your knee he has violated you and you should proceed to call 911, or me. Whichever answers first.

Rule #5- If he doesn't respond to a text message, you have absolute right to stalk and creep until you find out EXACTLY why he isn't responding. Be sure to lurk his facebook for details. If he ignores you it gives you complete right to enter stage 5 clinger mode.

Rule #6- If he ignores your call, call again, and again, and again. And, again... and again. Call until you've filled his voicemail or someone answers OR the phone just turns off. You have the right to annoy the hell out of him. This can be done multiple times a day, but only 20 times a week.

Rule #7- If he does not respond to your e-mails, or other internet messages, spend the rest of your life guessing his password and once you do screw his entire email, facebook, online life over. You may pull out all the embarressing (who cares if its true) stuff you want and post it anywhere public. Ruin his image completely. Make him suffer, who does he think he is not responding to your emails?!

Rule #8- Do not let him kiss you. If he tries, make sure he can't have babies. If he tries again, knife him. If he tries again, call me. But when I get there I expect to see blood drained from the punctures you've made with your knife, the minimum standard for this is 4.5L withdrawn.

Rule #9- If he lies to you about where he is, or with whom he is with call his parentals and scream like you're in labour. Shriek like its nobodies business, and then politely ask where he may be found. If they are unsure, say the last time you heard he was going to a casino or stripper bar or some horrendous place. Lies are completely valid.

Rule #10- IF HE DECIDES TO SEE ANOTHER GIRL....... KILL HIM. End his life. Jesus said it was okay for you to take a mans life when he plays with your heart and then proceeds to date another chick.



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhaHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHA
AHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
AHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAhAHA

I just burst out laughing. Oh the things some girls do! Hahaha, dont think I've done many if any of these myself... mostly because I was only ever in love once and I was too young to think of anything this amazinly evil. But I am sure you all know someone who is, or has done many of these crazy crazy things. Hahahah.... This is epic. Please do NOT actually follow any of these. Really-- just pray for him and be there when you can without being naive. Remember-- they're human too and just like we have our flaws they have theirs. Forgive them, if Jesus loves them then so can you. If He can forgive him in the same mannor He forgave you then follow in those footsteps.

All my single ladies, put your hands up.
WOAH, uh OH

LOVE, deeply, fiercely..
-S
XO.xo

Whatcha doin?

as I sit at my laptop, I think about all of the people in the world....
and who they are, how they are... what they are... millions and millions of human beings each with a story to tell... somebodies to someone... as I sit in this library.. I know...

someone is putting their hungry child to sleep, with no hope of dawn bringing food
someone is in pain, on a hospital bed unsure of what the future holds
someone is alone, lost, and hopeless
someone is trying really, really hard to make the cut
someone is hiding
someone lost their lover, and cant attain reality
someone is hoping that the clouds will bring rain and let the land yield
someone is chasing their chicken
someone is sleeping, and dreaming
someone is laughing
someone is at war
someone is crying
someone is praying
someone is counting their hundred dollar bills
someone is poor, and has nothing but lint and gum in their pockets
someone is screaming
someone is giving birth
someone is about to die
someone is studying
someone is driving
someone is playing a musical instrument
someone is shoveling snow

what are you doing?

Love,
-S

The seasons; they have changed.. and so have you

I'd like to say I'm a pretty consistent person.

I'm all about that, keeping it consistent.. NOT predictable, but consistent. If you think about its the cause of so many of our problems-- people changing their minds. They are inconsistent. They say one thing, but do another. They are one way in the morning, and another by night. Its hard to be involved with someone like that-- be a friendship, a marriage, a relationship of any sort. You never know what to do.... what brings comfort and what brings destruction. You have no basis on to place judgement of any given situation... So.. you just never know what to do.

And it consumes you......

Would I be passing judgment if I said that those people just aren't honest? Neither with you or themselves. Cause when you think about it inconsistency roots from dishonesty. They weren't honest the first time so their behavior the second time wont be the same. I guess that makes them liars too... doesn't it?
People live off patterns; life patterns. I know my mom loves me and that consistent love provides the foundation for support in my life. I know my dad believes that I am the greatest thing ever-- and will go to the ends of the world to make me smile. If mom were to ever change that my life would crumble, if dad stopped believing I would loose faith in myself. You gotta make sure you're aware of WHO you're putting your faith in. Trusting them with your heart is but the greatest thing you can trust them with. I would give my car, my grades, my identity over to anyone before I gave over my heart. But people change......

It's really, really hard to watch someone you care for change. To become someone that they don't even really know, someone no one really knows. They lose themselves, and it sucks. It sucks because you cant help, it sucks because you have to leave.... it sucks because things are no longer in your hands and nothing you can say or do will change that. So you're left cornered, and either way out will be painful. You can completely forget about the person they were, and what they meant to you and just cut them right out. OR, you can (if you're heart is brave enough) stick around and accept that the old person you knew and loved won't be coming home anytime soon and try and adjust to the new. But what happens when the change is for the worse, not the better...? Then its flat out unwise to stay... isnt it?

It is...

Ever wonder how the seasons come and go as they please? There is no negotiating with them, they answer to no one. The cold winds come and kill the plants and their leaves, forcing all the animals to either migrate or prepare for winter. Perhaps it isnt as subtle and effortless change as I once thought. It is really hard actually, think about it you have to adjust the way you live.

Change happens... and I know that. And some change, like winter... can be seen as for the worse. But even the SEASONS are CONSISTENT because fall will bring winter, and winter spring, and spring gives rise to the summer sun. They have a consistent mechanism and function.

Sometimes... it's easy to believe........
Sometimes, it hurts more than it seems.
One day you're near.. and then you go.

One day its clear.. and then you burn.



Fall,
-S

Turkey time!

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I thought I would share some things I am thankful for right now. At this very moment in time....


- redemption, freedom, and grace solely through the cross of Christ
- that my blood clots normally
- I have perfect vision in both eyes and see colors come alive
- none of my freckles are malignant
- that I (well, parentals included) am paying my way through school, and don't have any loans or student debts
- the sea and its vastness; the ability to swallow up the world; to submerge each and every detail
- I've had my own car since I was 17, and, its a blessing to say the friggin least
- I have never been in an accident, I am actually really really grateful for this one
- my heartbreak, that has only drawn me closer to the heart of Jesus, that has only drawn me deeper into other relationships, and that has given me overwhelming support from people who care
- friends, who have emptied themselves tirelessly to bring the absolute best out of me at endless costs to them
- family, who have and will continue to put my life and well being before their own at any given moment
- that my foot has finally healed and though I cant run, I can walk
- the ability to taste, and smell food
- the fiances to eat, cook (oh my...) and purchase different types of food
- living in Canada, where there are police to call for help, firemen to call for fires, centers for support, shelters for food, places to apply for jobs, a doctor for sickness, a counselor for weakness, movies to rent at Blockbuster, electricity and water constantly at our fingertips...
- that my brain is able to retrieve, and store memories properly
- the opportunity to help serve my homeless friends in downtown Toronto, quite possibly some of the most humble and faithful people I've ever met
- that my central and peripheral nervous system work together as a whole and not separately
- for my guitar, that brings me so much peace even when WWIII is battling inside my head
- that I have the ability to dream... in more ways than I know how to explain
- the tears, that challenge, change, captivate, control, conspire, and compete within me for the better; always.
- the empire Christ built Himself in the depths of my heart
- for the lighthouse on the coast, that always brings me home.. even through the most violet and raging storms
- the wind; and its complete inability to be tamed, caught, or negotiated with

Mmm. Yes, I am the wind.
Which, really isn't a good thing.

Hmm..

-S

Some bonds are thicker than blood... this is one of them <33

Sometimes I wonder why I have so, so many amazing people in my life.

SO many people, who spend so much time loving me, caring for me, supporting me, encouraging me, holding me, pushing me, guiding me, and being so much more than I could ever ask for.

As far as names go, I want you to know if you're reading this then its for you.

I actually want you to know a few things....

I want you to know that these days would not have passed as painlessly and smoothly as they did without you. That every word of your encouragement kept me going, and in your HOPE and trust I found my strength. I want you to know that you bring out a power in me, that I didn't even know I had and that I am so unworthy of your affection. I wish I had something to give you, something more than a post to tell you how much you really mean to me. I want you to know that you give me peace in my weakness. You make me laugh, even when I feel like 35 cents of garbage on the street. Your grace brings me to my knees, and I am so seriously humbled to call you my friend. Good friends are a rare thing in this world and I have spent much time wondering why I happen to have so many. I am so sure that I have flopped tirelessly on all of you at some point, and I really wish that I had more time to give each of you. But know that you are worth your weight in the finest of gold and nothing I could retrieve for you on this earth could do my heart justice. Nothing is good enough, nothing could even satisfy the thankfulness in my heart right now.

Your support, not just this week, or month... but through the years that I have known each of you has brought me to where I am and though I owe it to the love of Christ I say without a doubt He has used many of you endlessly for so many things. You've opened my eyes and boxed in my ears when I've sworn them shut. You've made me laugh, you've made me cry, you've made me think, you've made me wrestle-- and doubt... you've pushed my faith in so many things, and in so many ways. You've hit me, hugged me, stolen from me, made fun of me, touched me, loved me, complimented me, eaten with me, eaten my food (you know who you are), and just been one of the best things that could possibly have happened to me.

This, is truth. I promise.
With all the love I had, have, and will have to give...
-S

THS

So.... I realized today that I suffer from a rare cardiovascular disorder.
Tender- Heart- Syndrome.

Now, any Health Sci student will tell you that syndrome and disorder are different for a few reasons, the primary one being that syndrome just has so many more symptoms and effects on different areas whereas disorder is slightly more precise. With that said, I am going to try and give out a proper diagnoses for THS and hopefully if you guys have it you will do the right thing... (jump off a bridge cause TSH SUCKS!) hahaha NO! JK! Please don't even entertain the possibility of suicide. Atleast consult with me first. Anyway, the signs and symptoms of THS are as follows:

-an achy breaky heart
-over thinking everything
-having your heart in a million pieces on the floor on a weekly/monthly basis
-making huge deals out of non-existant-in-the-first-place deals
-being up at 3am blogging
-wondering 'whatifwhatifwhatif' till you have cardiac arrest
-endless debates with yourself regarding whether or not you should say it
-making yourself vunerable without realizing it
-hurting when it really shouldnt
-caring too much and being unable to understand why they dont care as much as you do
-being stuck on something you really should have let go AGES ago
-being stuck on a piece of crap boy that you really should have let go ages ago

do I sound like a psycho woman or does someone feel me?
UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

There is something wrong with me, I know it. Just, just dont judge me.
If you suffer from TSH, there is no cure. Your life is doomed and you will be stuck in reverse forever. You can be hopeless and miserable all you want. Congrats. (hahahahha- oh the optimism in that paragraph)

FrigmyLIFE

But if there is one thing I've learned, it's that I have a fierce heart-- and I need to have the courage to follow it at all costs.



Stuck.
-S

Lenkope

Lemoshan is my sponsor child from Kenya. He is 5 years old and such a riot. He wrote me a letter a few days ago and this is what it said..

Hello Farid Miss Sara,
I am very, very very happy that you write me. I love to get receive mail. I am doing good in school and I like cows very much. But all the animals in my land have migrated because of the drought. There is no rain and only dust. I like school and I want to be a teacher when I grow up. Thank you for your sponsorship, very much.

-Lemoshan Lenkope

He then draws me a picture of a cow that looks more like a fallen over corn stalk to me. But truth be told it is better than any piece of art I think I've ever seen in my life.

But, it got me thinking. This piece of paper (that is actually the letter AND the envelope all in one) is so dirty and thin, like tissue paper. This same piece of paper that I hold in my hands in my nice home with all the luxuries of a Canadian life came from Africa, from Kenya. From a remote village with no electricity, heat, proper shelter and likely only a handful of food varieties. It probably still has pieces of his skin tissue on it. (creepy?) To know that just a few weeks prior his eyes saw this very paper that I hold... Gah its just such a powerful moment. Here I am, worried about tuition and rent. Gas prices and getting new winter boots and that new coat I've been eying down in the mall.... and Lemoshan..... Lemoshan wants a cow.

A cow.

But he can't even see a cow cause they're all gone, because there is no rain and the land is dry. Sometimes I wonder why I live in a place where its surreal to even entertain the idea that I would want a cow and cant even see one, let alone have one because the land has no grass because the skies hold the rain. Like... what?....?!

I love him, and I dont have to think twice about it. I often think of him, and what he's doing. Is he playing soccer or dreaming of being a teacher? Where does he rest his head at night? Who is his best friend? What do they laugh at and find funny? This morning in my car I asked Jesus to help me love uncontrollably like He does. I think I am starting to understand what that feels like. I think He is showing me what that looks like. Sometimes I feel like moments in my life linger, and they give me strength as they push and pull around in the space inside me. Holding this letter, is one of them.

I wonder if I'll write this post and forget all about his tiny heartbeat. And if not him, the millions of children like him all over the world.

Ughhh. What the frig am I doing with my life?


-S

Simplicity

Fall has got to be one of the best times of the year. The warm sun shines its face during the day and a cool (almost too cool!... HA! get it?!) okay, lame.. but cool breeze gives you just enough chill to snuggle deeper into your hoodie till your body temperature is contently toasty. Mmmm, I love that toasty feeling. It's got to be one of the best feelings ever. But among toasty feelings, I love...

- being the passenger of a moving vehicle, aircraft, boat.. anything that isnt stationary
- showers, warm ones in the winter and cool ones in the summer
- being submerged in large bodies of water and realizing just how small you really are
- laughing till you feel like your teeth are dry or your lips are chapped, and hearing people- just ordinary people laugh. it always makes me laugh too!
- late night adventures
- hair, specifically my own (RIP)
- rings, and nail polish that makes you taste the flavor of the color you're wearing in your saliva
- grapefruit... anything... creams, body wash, the fruit, the color of it, the way the name lingers
- food.. oh Lord... steak, wings, ribs, fruit (blue-black-rass-berries), cake, cookies (soft ones), tea, asparagus, green beans, butter, fresh bread, stroopwaffles, cheese (mmm, gouda), tiger shrimp, banana choc-chip pancakes, cream of any sort, beer (dont judge me), pizza lunchables... this could go on forever.... seriously... bah food is so good!!
- sleeves that are too long
- the sound, the feel, the power, the mercy, the endless passion of rain drops from mother sky
- flowers of any shape, color, and form
- every single string on my guitar
- snails
- reaching down and digging your hand into the snow behind you as you feel the rush of racing down a hill on your snowboard

... wow this list could go on and on. But it just goes to show how simple the true pleasures of life can be. The best things in life... are rarely ever things. Really, I'm so blessed. I see in vivid color with both eyes, I breath and inhale the air of earth with 2 lungs, I listen to the sound of heartbeats with 2 functioning ears that require no assistance. I walk the journey, and run the mile with 2 legs that have yet to fail me... I FEEL with a heart, that is alive. I have a family that loves me, I have friends who support me, and I have the love of Christ that dwells in me. What more could I possibly want?

The world simply has nothing to offer me that I don't already have.
Suckaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


Love,
-S

If somebody is anybody, then everybody is somebody.

throughout the last few years, my parents have made it their life purpose to constantly remind me that they just know that some day I am going to "BE A SOMEBODY!" woowoo, imagine THAT! and.... I know it's compliment, meant to encourage and sustain me for a little while longer...a reminder that these hard times will someday melt away to bigger things, that I will somehow break through the ice and step up my game, so I can finally fulfill my lifelong goal, and "be a somebody"

but it frustrates me that apparently, I'm not "a somebody" already. cause I mean....

more than a certain number of people don't know my name (like enough to count on my fingers and toes, family included)
I've never had a best selling .... anything...I have never been on the front page of ..... anything
I still fall for people who don't know I exist. and of courrrrrse, the obvious, is that I'm quite young, a bit too young to be considered "a somebody" just yet.

because of these things, it is silently, unanimously decided that I am not "somebody" enough to be somebody yet. but of course, they say, I shouldn't let these minute details defeat me or be a setback, because I have potential.

thats another word that I hear a lot... it's a word that means "just try harder"
a word that is meant to push us forward, to inspire us to turn all that "potential" into raving success and worldwide recognition and fame. because by transforming that "potential" I will finally be a "somebody". because really, isn't that what we all posses this ‘potential’???

gah.. its all just so dumb. who comes up with this stuff anyway?

I really feel like this is why so many of us have lost hope in us, lost hope in... hope.
we have been working so hard all our lives just to be somebodies, so blinded by our own ambition and frustrating pride that we haven't even tapped into the fact,
that life isn't full of lovely people who don't own a problem or wierd eyebrows. who don't struggle with school, look funny, or say awkward things

and perhaps if we could just recognize the power in our small roles, we would know that we don't have to fight for recognition, and that WE ARE SOMEBODY, ALREADY.

but then theres the media... which harasses you everywhere you go... I see all these big shots... who in all seriousness... seem to have it all. and everyone just wants to be like them. to wear expensive clothes, and adorn themselves in the praise of man...and could care less about whats in their wallet. if they can afford a subway combo, or just the sub. if movies on saturday is an option due to crazy gas prices and 11 dollar movie tickets. who drive bentleys, lambos and maserati one-77's. who boats are bigger than my house... with their last names on it, or throw the coolest parties in their abode with 6 car garages and 3 ¾ pools, their own private jets and all that jazz. who seem to hangout with all the best looking ladies and gents... and manage hundreds of aspiring somebody wannabees. well.. you know what?
lucky them.

I suppose a lot of people don't realize that the absolute truth of this entire freaking matter ...
is that we are ALREADY SOMEBODIES.

I may not know much... actually... I know jack all aside from my 700 dollar text books that teach me how to feel stupid and fail exams..... BUT!! I DO know, that the secret to being a somebody is BELIEVING THAT YOU ARE ALREADY, and not living to be one and prove yourself

you know.... there is a lot to be said for fame, there is a lot to be said for obtaining ridiculous amounts of wealth, power, truth, reality and recognition, but I will not be changed, I will not change who I am to be a somebody, and I know that,that I can keep myself in my own pocket. besides, why is there such a great focus on the physical anyway? is that all we are, flesh and blood? nothing more? have we no ability to feel, to be, to act, to dream..? are we incapable of thinking, reasoning, and rationalizing? bah

I believe there is something powerful about being a bit of a loser by someone (everyone) elses standards sometimes, waking up and knowing you're going to be late, not looking stylish all the time, not having it all together, bringing lifes truest AUTHENTICITY to the plate. yet STILL living true to yourself, and being SOMEBODY-- despite people, seventeen, and cosmo informing you that you're not. who the frig cares if you don't have the perfect body or flawless skin to show that you are making a difference?

because it's not about that
and if it is, it shouldn't be.
and when it is, I WONT BE.

really,we are all somebodies.,
despite them.
and if they can't see that,
they can go complain--
to SOMEONE ELSE.

from who you are, to what you've been, to when you become what you were meant to be....

just keep it real, if its all you ever do


XO.xo
-S

Life on 43 Rice Drive

Tell me tell me tell tell tell me summer isn't over! Whaaaat?! I swear I finished my last exams, cried tears of sincere joy, drove home and packed my bags and moved back into the Oaks.. only to sleep and wake up and be back at school! How did this happen?! Goodness. But really, my summer was awesome probably one of the best yet. I got to work with one of my best friends at a wicked sweet job, with staff who encouraged me more than I can say. I got to run around with little asian kids and do peace signs yelling "KOREA". I turned 19, which doesnt mean that I got trashed but had some good times out! I went to Cancun with my demonic sister and my lovely mother... But now I am back to life on 43 Rice Drive. And, it's alright. I am making some positive changes this year at school, primarily to my eating habits. No- I am not planning to eat healthier, or eat less... or even more. My first goal is to actually EAT this year and consume food rather than starving myself.

Yes, I think this is good thinking.

I like living here, its quiet. I dont think I could do school at home, as much as I would like. I get stuff done here and I am not distracted. It is lonely and such at times but I would rather be lonely than fail school. It's a nice home, with 4 bedrooms and it just FEELS homey. Even with my new house in Richmond Hill it doesnt FEEL like home. It isnt painted or decorated so it doesnt have that feel to it. But this place, its a few years old and so the owners have had time to make it nice. Anyway, I gotta dip out and start prepping for some classes. Here's to education!

XO.xo
-S

GAH

School is..... death.
I am not entirely sure how much more of this studying I can do.
Thousands of slides, thousands of pages... It never ends. Ever.

Though I am not sure I want it to, I love learning and if I ever for some reason stopped a part of me would decay, and die. Ha.

Anyway, I am totally new at this blogging thing. Never done anything like it.
But, I guess it's cool cause nobody knows who I am... And nobody really knows about it. It is kinda like a on-line personal diary that nobody cares to read. Kinda odd that I am talking to myself though... Ha. Okay, this is blogging enough for today.

Success! My first blog! Wooo